You can’t turn on the news or log on to the internet without seeing the headlines. "College admissions scandal: how will their kids be affected?" "The wide implications of the college admissions scandal." I don’t even need to provide hyperlinks. You know the stories.
As a parent myself, I understand the angst we share about how our children’s futures will turn out, not to mention their present. I recognize the basal desire to want what is best for our children and our desire to sacrifice much, research often, and try just about anything to set our children up for success now and for the future. It’s part of being a parent.
This blog is not about a college entrance scandal. While juicy and close to home for those of us who live in the Bay Area, the bribes and the fallout are really a reflection of something bigger that my heart feels the need to address, especially for those of us who need to hear it more often. And that is this:
You. Are. Enough.
I count myself among the too many bloggers who may or may not be espousing any number of parenting theories, advice, and implorations that may or may not be helpful. Add to the prolific parent blogosphere the inordinate number of books, articles, and “expert” interviews, and parents are right to be confused, if not overwhelmed by all the disparate advice.
In my years as an educator, and sometimes parent-educator, I often feel the tug to share the messages that people need to hear in the moments they need to hear them. The one message that resounds in my heart these days is this, “You are enough.”
Every kid is different. Every family is different. Every context is different. We’re all just doing our best. Parenting is the hardest job for which no one is ever totally prepared and for which there is no perfectly right answer. Parenting is the process of figuring it out along the way. It’s about allowing our children to teach us how to parent them--each one of them, individually. Raising children is cognitively demanding, emotionally draining, and endlessly unpredictable.
So many well intentioned blogs and experts lead us to believe that if there is something wrong with our kid--they make a bad choice, they get sick, they struggle to read--that it must be our fault. The dreaded, “if only” we parents had fill-in-the-blank, we’d have avoided this altogether. Keeping it PG, I’ll just say this...poppycock! The only expert about your child, in this moment, is YOU.
As long as you are expressing your love regularly; ensuring a safe, secure, and healthy environment; and allowing for age-appropriate, gradual independence for your child--you are enough. No doubt, strategies and mindsets exist that can make parenting easier, help our kids avoid danger, and access valuable lessons and opportunities. However, your child is not going to miss his or her chance at success because you didn’t breastfeed her long enough, gave him vegetables that weren’t organic, never taught her how to downhill ski, or failed to enroll him in chess class. And believe it or not, your child will find his or her way even if she or he doesn't attend an Ivy League university.
Our obsession, and I include myself in this criticism, with being super-parent is really about our need to do more. To leave no stone unturned. To offer every advantage. In other words, it stems from our insecurity that we aren’t doing enough, or worse yet, that we aren’t enough. And most disheartening is that it sends the message to our kids that they aren’t enough.
Your. Kid. Is. Enough.
Parenting a five and a nine year old in Silicon Valley, I deeply understand and thoroughly appreciate how hard it is. At times, I succumb to the same parenting insecurity that many of us do. I react to that insecurity in the ways that many of us react.
It makes me wonder, with all my “responsiveness” to the needs of my children, what messages are my kids picking up about how I see them?
Do they think their value lies in pleasing me? Pleasing others?
Do they feel that they have to be perfect all the time? Smart all the time? Right all the time?
Do they fear making a mistake?
Do they assume they can’t do it on their own because I won’t let them?
If they want to quit soccer because they don’t like it, do they think that’s actually an option?
In schools that don’t even give grades until 6th grade, do they know what grades are and what grades I expect? How?
At five and nine, are they already wondering what college they’ll get into and if that college will be good enough?
The only right answer to these questions is a better question… “How do I communicate to my children that they are enough?” In fact, how do I communicate to them that they are more than enough, just the way they are?
They’re going to make mistakes, that’s part of learning. I’m going to make mistakes parenting them, that’s part of life.
My kids were born enough. Your kids were born enough.
But if you still need a list of things to do, here you go: Catch up with your friends. Read a book that doesn't have pictures and is not a parenting manual. Indulge a hobby. Spend more time just living in the moment. Enjoying the moments. Soak in the reality that our kids don’t have to do anything or be anyone other than what they are inclined to do and who they are inclined to be.
And neither do we.
Erik Burmeister is the Superintendent of Menlo Park City School District in the heart of Silicon Valley.