It’s not hard for me to imagine what it feels like for parents to drop their children off at the doorsteps of our schools each day because it is a ritual I experience with my own three kids. As I hold my breath for a split second in that cosmic moment of ‘letting go’ each morning, my false sense of security when they are in close proximity to me gives way to the realization that once again they will be in control of their own decisions, actions, and reactions. All my insecurities as a parent are wrapped up in that moment of release, when I kick my kids out of the nest and await their flying “home” at the end of the day. This daily act of radical trust gives me pause to reflect on what I hope and expect for them. I kiss my kids goodbye and leave them three messages:
“Be good. Be kind. Learn lots.”
But what do I hope they hear when I say those six words each day?
I want them to value and appreciate the climate, culture, and routines of the space they inhabit during the day. I hope they hear that on some level I expect them to be obedient because, while not my primary value, I do want my children to follow the rules out of respect and generosity to those around them. Beyond doing what is expected of them, I hope, too, that they try their best at whatever they are doing, learning, or trying. I don’t need them to be the best; I just want them to try their hardest. When I say, “Be good,” I want them to know that I subscribe to the growth mindset philosophy, rather than the fixed, in that I believe “good” and “smart” are things you become, not things you are.
Probably the most important character trait I want to instill in my children is kindness. When I say, “Be kind,” I hope my children hear that I want them to approach the kids and adults with whom they interact with the same compassion, grace, and understanding that they would want for themselves. It’s the golden rule, right? Do unto others as you would want done unto you. I want them to know that more than getting good grades and making the right choices, how my children treat people is most important to me. And, like any parent desires, I hope that kindness is returned to them. What goes around comes around.
School exists to teach our children the lessons they need to know to be successful in life and effective members of our democratic society. And so, when I send my children off with the final refrain, “Learn lots,” I hope they hear loud and clear that I do not want them to experience school as simply an exercise in obedience. I want them to choose to be challenged. I want them to seek information that they do not know. I want them to apply the information they acquire in meaningful ways. I want them to explore their world. I want them to ask hard questions and not quit until they find the answers.
The community’s kids are also my kids. Parents bring children to our doorsteps every day filled with their own hopes and expectations and nervous moments of radical trust. Parents trust teachers to have patience and skill. They trust friends to show kindness and acceptance. They trust their kids to make good decisions and come home knowing more than when they left. They trust themselves to have prepared and loved their kids so they are ready to be sent into the world. And our highest calling and greatest joy as educators is to pick up where parents let go so that all our kids feel good and kind and ready to learn lots.
As we dig into the school year, what are your bottom lines? Have you considered your family’s non-negotiables? I think it is helpful for our kids to know what we expect and hope for as we release them each day onto the doorsteps of our schools. And, if your children are anything like mine, they will not always deliver…but there’s always tomorrow.
Erik Burmeister is the Superintendent of Menlo Park City School District in the heart of Silicon Valley.