A School Superintendent's thoughts on education, community, parenting, and more.
  • Home
  • About
  • Press
  • Contact
  • Home
  • About
  • Press
  • Contact
Picture
Subscribe to this Blog!

Village Life

1/18/2019

0 Comments

 
Picturehttp://www.istockphoto.com/search/lightbox/9786738
If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a thousand times, “it takes a village to raise a child.” The ubiquitous proverb is often quoted not just because it’s so true, but also because we need to consistently be reminded. There’s no more important responsibility of each community than the raising of its children.


This week, I had the pleasure of publicly interviewing my friend, Frank DeAngelis, in a fireside chat format as part of our district-sponsored Community Speaker Series. Frank is the retired principal of Columbine High School who served as principal before, during, and after the deadly massacre that killed 12 students and one teacher on April 20, 1999 and seared Columbine’s place in the national historic consciousness.

As Frank reflected on his experience over the last twenty years since the shooting (can you believe it’s been twenty years?), several important messages resounded for the listener. The most important message for parents, I believe, was his emphatic call to ‘stay engaged in your child’s life, even and especially when they are adolescents.’

Frank remarked how one of the assailant’s parents, when asked by police to see her son’s room after the shooting, said, “Oh, you can’t go in there. Nobody’s been in there.” He further detailed how the boys had spent nearly a year recording videos of their plan and hate-filled mindsets in the basement of one of the boys’ homes. Had one of the parents searched their son’s room, walked in on a video session, or glanced at the computer screen over the months preceding April 20, 1999, maybe 13 innocent lives would have been spared and only folks in suburban Denver would even know of a school named Columbine.

I share this story not to place blame on parents for school shootings, not even to address gun violence. I share this story because it is a powerful illustration of an extreme cost of parental and, to some degree, community disengagement.

His message reminded me of advice I often give parents. While your growing child may be actively pushing you away, resist the urge to let them. They still need you. And while they don’t know it, they still want you. I am not advocating that we hold on in unhealthy ways, micromanaging the decisions and experiences of our maturing child. I am reminding us to stay engaged.

Trust...but verify.
Provide freedom...with clear expectations.
Let go...but check in.
Celebrate success...and apply consequences.

The reality is that even the most trustworthy, responsible kids have underdeveloped prefrontal cortices. They still need our engagement and correction.

And this engagement shouldn’t and doesn’t stop with an individual child’s parents. In his book, Stopping at Every Lemonade Stand, James Vollbracht advocates families, neighborhoods, larger communities, the business world, and elders step up and step in to assist what he sees as an unstable and disconnected culture in order that it can become a healthier, supportive one. What would it look like if we all took responsibility for the “collective"? It might be when we see a child who is not our own riding his bike unsafely, walking alongside him and saying, “Hey bud, your mom would be so sad if you got hurt riding like that, please ride more carefully.” Or, when we see a young girl drop her candy wrapper on the ground, picking it up and saying, “I’m going to throw this away for you and hope you’ll do the same in the future.” What if elementary libraries were full of senior citizens reading with kids after school or our middle schools had a waiting list of folks who wanted to coach the 6th grade flag football team? What if, as Vollbracht asserts, we each made a point of stopping at every lemonade stand we cross?

The Search Institute has developed a widely respected Developmental Asset Framework that identifies 40 assets, 30 of which are necessary for youth to thrive. Of the 40 assets, eight of them are directly impacted by adults taking responsibility to care for more than just their own child. Those assets are:

  1. Other adult relationships—Young person receives support from three or more non-parent adults.
  2. Caring neighborhood—Young person experiences caring neighbors.
  3. Community values youth—Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.
  4. Youth as resources—Young people are given useful roles in the community.
  5. Service to others—Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week.
  6. Safety—Young person feels safe at home, school, and in the neighborhood.
  7. Neighborhood boundaries—Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.
  8. Adult role models—Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.
I really don’t know if there is anything the parents or community could have done that would have changed the Columbine assailants’ minds and caused them to cancel their plans. What I do believe, though,  is that the more engaged parents are in their children’s lives, decisions, and choices, and the more attentive we all are to the needs of the youth in our community, the chances of our children turning to violence decrease significantly.
If you see my kid and he needs your help, admonition, or advice, I invite you to step in. And I’ll do the same for yours.

0 Comments

    Author

    Erik Burmeister is the Superintendent of Menlo Park City School District in the heart of Silicon Valley.

    Archives

    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    May 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    August 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017

    Categories

    All
    Amongst Heroes
    Appy Holidays?
    Cha...cha...cha...Changes
    Creating Wonder
    Cruel Irony
    Discovering Joy
    Expanding Perspective
    Freeing Feedback
    Fully Funded?
    Game Over
    Gimme S'more
    I Am
    Listen Up!
    Love Alone
    Not Optional
    Over / Under
    Parental Guidance
    Parenting Dozen
    Radical Trust
    Respecting Boundaries
    Restorative Parenting
    Saving Starfish
    Screen Scare
    Smaller Plate
    Summer Success
    Survey Says
    Teenage Angst
    Thanks Coach
    The Mile
    Three Days
    Village Life
    Voice Lessons
    Walkin' Shoes
    Without Judgement
    Yes...#URENUF
    You're Enough

    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.