You can’t turn on the news or log on to the internet without seeing the headlines. "College admissions scandal: how will their kids be affected?" "The wide implications of the college admissions scandal." I don’t even need to provide hyperlinks. You know the stories.
As a parent myself, I understand the angst we share about how our children’s futures will turn out, not to mention their present. I recognize the basal desire to want what is best for our children and our desire to sacrifice much, research often, and try just about anything to set our children up for success now and for the future. It’s part of being a parent.
This blog is not about a college entrance scandal. While juicy and close to home for those of us who live in the Bay Area, the bribes and the fallout are really a reflection of something bigger that my heart feels the need to address, especially for those of us who need to hear it more often. And that is this:
You. Are. Enough.
I count myself among the too many bloggers who may or may not be espousing any number of parenting theories, advice, and implorations that may or may not be helpful. Add to the prolific parent blogosphere the inordinate number of books, articles, and “expert” interviews, and parents are right to be confused, if not overwhelmed by all the disparate advice.
In my years as an educator, and sometimes parent-educator, I often feel the tug to share the messages that people need to hear in the moments they need to hear them. The one message that resounds in my heart these days is this, “You are enough.”
Every kid is different. Every family is different. Every context is different. We’re all just doing our best. Parenting is the hardest job for which no one is ever totally prepared and for which there is no perfectly right answer. Parenting is the process of figuring it out along the way. It’s about allowing our children to teach us how to parent them--each one of them, individually. Raising children is cognitively demanding, emotionally draining, and endlessly unpredictable.
So many well intentioned blogs and experts lead us to believe that if there is something wrong with our kid--they make a bad choice, they get sick, they struggle to read--that it must be our fault. The dreaded, “if only” we parents had fill-in-the-blank, we’d have avoided this altogether. Keeping it PG, I’ll just say this...poppycock! The only expert about your child, in this moment, is YOU.
As long as you are expressing your love regularly; ensuring a safe, secure, and healthy environment; and allowing for age-appropriate, gradual independence for your child--you are enough. No doubt, strategies and mindsets exist that can make parenting easier, help our kids avoid danger, and access valuable lessons and opportunities. However, your child is not going to miss his or her chance at success because you didn’t breastfeed her long enough, gave him vegetables that weren’t organic, never taught her how to downhill ski, or failed to enroll him in chess class. And believe it or not, your child will find his or her way even if she or he doesn't attend an Ivy League university.
Our obsession, and I include myself in this criticism, with being super-parent is really about our need to do more. To leave no stone unturned. To offer every advantage. In other words, it stems from our insecurity that we aren’t doing enough, or worse yet, that we aren’t enough. And most disheartening is that it sends the message to our kids that they aren’t enough.
Your. Kid. Is. Enough.
Parenting a five and a nine year old in Silicon Valley, I deeply understand and thoroughly appreciate how hard it is. At times, I succumb to the same parenting insecurity that many of us do. I react to that insecurity in the ways that many of us react.
It makes me wonder, with all my “responsiveness” to the needs of my children, what messages are my kids picking up about how I see them?
Do they think their value lies in pleasing me? Pleasing others?
Do they feel that they have to be perfect all the time? Smart all the time? Right all the time?
Do they fear making a mistake?
Do they assume they can’t do it on their own because I won’t let them?
If they want to quit soccer because they don’t like it, do they think that’s actually an option?
In schools that don’t even give grades until 6th grade, do they know what grades are and what grades I expect? How?
At five and nine, are they already wondering what college they’ll get into and if that college will be good enough?
The only right answer to these questions is a better question… “How do I communicate to my children that they are enough?” In fact, how do I communicate to them that they are more than enough, just the way they are?
They’re going to make mistakes, that’s part of learning. I’m going to make mistakes parenting them, that’s part of life.
My kids were born enough. Your kids were born enough.
But if you still need a list of things to do, here you go: Catch up with your friends. Read a book that doesn't have pictures and is not a parenting manual. Indulge a hobby. Spend more time just living in the moment. Enjoying the moments. Soak in the reality that our kids don’t have to do anything or be anyone other than what they are inclined to do and who they are inclined to be.
And neither do we.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock lately, you have likely seen or at least heard about Netflix’s new series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.” Maybe you’ve even tried KonMari-ing at least one thing in your life. I’ll admit that my family has. Our dresser and closet have never been so organized...and yes, it feels great. KonMari is a method of organizing your home that focuses on minimalism and finding joy in possessions--or getting rid of them. Why am I blogging about home organizing in a blog about education and parenting?
It’s no mystery why Ms. Kondo’s ritualistic approach to decluttering our lives is so powerful - whether we know it or not nearly all of us, our children included, suffer from overstimulation. Marie Kondo, as delightful as she is, hasn’t discovered anything new about the human experience. Her approach to organizing the home hits upon our deep desire for simplicity, meaning, and calm. When we take a step back from the hustle and bustle of our lives and consider the impact of all the demands, expectations, and interactions, it is truly overwhelming.
What lessons might we glean from the Kondo-craze as we create cultures in our homes and classrooms?
My reflections might encourage you to let go of emotions or possessions that are holding you or the children in your life back from experiencing true joy, fulfillment, and learning. My reflections aren’t judgements; they are rhetorical questions that will hopefully lead to giving yourself permission to let go of what isn’t bringing you, your family, or your students joy.
How many toys does your child have? Sometimes do you just buy them a little cheap thing because it’s the fastest way to get them to pull it together until your Target run is done? What do you do with all those birthday party favors? Have you saved every picture your child has ever drawn since they could hold a pencil?
I’m willing to bet, like our family, you have crates full of toys that don’t get played with and books that don’t get read. Why not get rid of those? One of the greatest lessons we can teach our children is the idea of “enough.” One of the most important presents we can give them is the gift of “empowerment” to winnow their possessions and prioritize what brings them joy and remains a valuable asset. For many children, that’s hard. As soon as you put that tricycle they haven’t ridden for years out on the street with a “free” sign on it, they’ve collapsed on the driveway in tears screaming, “NO...not my favorite tricycle!” Nevermind that they are ten years old and nearly five feet tall. Not all important lessons are easy. In fact, some of the most important lessons are the hardest. As soon as you are able, consider involving your children in the culling process. Consider asking them what old toy they want to donate to another child when they ask you to buy them the newest toy craze. (And while you are considering donating well kept toys for young learners, call a local preschool; they may be able to take those off your hands. In our community, our district preschool is doubling in size next year, great place to drop off your trains, blocks, costumes, legos, magnatiles, etc.).
Beyond “things,” children today also have an abundance of activities and commitments. My children sure do, and they are 4 and 8 years old. I think we all benefit from considering how many activities from which our children can benefit without unnecessarily overwhelming them with too much. Believe me, I’m not suggesting that we not keep kids active. In fact, I think it is essential. However, with our oldest, we learned just how important it was for him to have at least two afternoons per week free from scheduled activity and responsibility. He needs downtime to ride his bike, rest, read a comic book, play a quick video game...just be a kid. We also learned how important it was for us to enjoy that downtime WITH him as a family. We try hard to reserve Sundays for the whole family to share downtime together.
The amount of choice we provide our children is also something to consider. Even our adult brains can be overwhelmed by too much choice; this is more true for the underdeveloped brains of children. If you want your child to be more creative, with an increased attention span and happy to play for longer periods of time, perhaps the easiest way to encourage those qualities is to simply offer fewer options. Even with no toys or multiple parent facilitated options, it’s important to remember that children don’t even need “real toys” to play engagingly. Are you one of those parents that spent countless hours and too much money on holiday or birthday gifts for your five year old, only to have them most enjoy the big box in which one of the big gifts came? Regular household items can be the source of hours of enjoyment; most importantly, those items require children to access their imagination for play--something we should prioritize.
One resource with which we desperately need to reacquaint ourselves and our children is the outdoors. Parents and educators frequently lament that kids today just don’t go outside and play like they used to do. Part of the reason is because we overschedule and overmanage their play. To the extent that we can manage their safety, let’s try to get our kids outside with friends and neighbors. Make use of the parks available in your community. Take bike rides as a family. Go on a hike. Catch tadpoles in the creek. Let’s find ways to cut down on the meaningless distractions we give them, and let their natural creativity in the environment blossom.
Adults are easily distracted by too many toys, too. In the heart of Silicon Valley, where my district is situated, the grown up toys come in the form of the latest electric car, smartphone, vacation house, robot, app...things. They are undeniably fun and I am as guilty as the next guy for pursuing them. However, if I’m being honest, the pursuit and collection of all the “stuff” can derail time from more meaningful pursuits like experiences with friends, time with our family, enjoying a hobby or the outdoors. We are constantly on the lookout for the next best thing. But are we enjoying it? More stuff does not make us any happier.
The same is true for a calendar full of commitments. You may not be a collector of things, but you may, like many, collect appointments, responsibilities, and expectations. My wife frequently reminds me that I’m “always on;” she fears that I’m only happy when I have something scheduled to do. Personality faults aside, she’s right. While I may not fill my life with ‘things,’ I do fill my life with things to do. This clutter of responsibility drains me and those around me--including and especially my kids. I own it. This is all the more reason for me to take stock of the way in which I spend my time and prioritize downtime for myself and with my family.
It’s unrealistic to expect that we are able to abandon material things and busy lives. Working, parenting, maintaining relationships...just living...all require a great deal of our time and attention. Rather, we can live with a bit more intentionality around ‘things’ and time. We can model for our children by making more selective and thoughtful purchases. We can schedule regular time to disconnect. We can try to do one thing each day or each week that gets us closer...not to perfection...but joy.
Perhaps one of the most unlikely - and most impactful - places to spend some time decluttering and focusing is in the classroom. We all have a vision of what a great classroom looks like. Effective and welcoming learning environments come in all shapes, sizes, styles, and themes. However, like the home with fewer toys, a classroom showcasing just a few well chosen items can also spark more creativity and focus.
I can hear teachers cringing as they read this! Yes, there are millions of wonderful educational toys, posters, books, manipulatives to help convey a lesson. Yes, those egg cartons and berry baskets will make excellent crafts or supply holders. But remember, kids (and adults) can only focus on so much at a time. It’s worth a reflection over next summer to consider reducing what is displayed in the classroom and any changes we observe in students’ experience of their learning. The same reflection is necessary around the number of tasks we expect of students at each grade level, or the level of detail, papers, and tasks our young ones, all with underdeveloped prefrontal cortices, are expected to hold in one lesson, day, or week. To be clear, there are no “right” answers or single ways of doing anything. However, continuous improvement requires us to reflect on how what we do (and don’t do) impacts the student experience. Merely asking question is a great place to start. I can just imagine Marie Kondo encouraging us to wonder, “Does my classroom spark joy?” or “Does my lesson spark interest and engagement?”
For the record, I had Marie Kondo’s tidying up book long before it was cool. I had heard about it on NPR and thought the idea of getting rid of the crap in my life might be just what I needed. And the book sat there, among all the other books I haven’t read, gathering dust. Thank goodness for Netflix, right? This surprise heroine is causing millions of us to ask if everything with which we surround ourselves sparks joy. As we consider the mindset impacts on our parenting and educating I would add the question, “Is this adding value?” If the answer is no, maybe it is time to let it go.
If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a thousand times, “it takes a village to raise a child.” The ubiquitous proverb is often quoted not just because it’s so true, but also because we need to consistently be reminded. There’s no more important responsibility of each community than the raising of its children.
This week, I had the pleasure of publicly interviewing my friend, Frank DeAngelis, in a fireside chat format as part of our district-sponsored Community Speaker Series. Frank is the retired principal of Columbine High School who served as principal before, during, and after the deadly massacre that killed 12 students and one teacher on April 20, 1999 and seared Columbine’s place in the national historic consciousness.
As Frank reflected on his experience over the last twenty years since the shooting (can you believe it’s been twenty years?), several important messages resounded for the listener. The most important message for parents, I believe, was his emphatic call to ‘stay engaged in your child’s life, even and especially when they are adolescents.’
Frank remarked how one of the assailant’s parents, when asked by police to see her son’s room after the shooting, said, “Oh, you can’t go in there. Nobody’s been in there.” He further detailed how the boys had spent nearly a year recording videos of their plan and hate-filled mindsets in the basement of one of the boys’ homes. Had one of the parents searched their son’s room, walked in on a video session, or glanced at the computer screen over the months preceding April 20, 1999, maybe 13 innocent lives would have been spared and only folks in suburban Denver would even know of a school named Columbine.
I share this story not to place blame on parents for school shootings, not even to address gun violence. I share this story because it is a powerful illustration of an extreme cost of parental and, to some degree, community disengagement.
His message reminded me of advice I often give parents. While your growing child may be actively pushing you away, resist the urge to let them. They still need you. And while they don’t know it, they still want you. I am not advocating that we hold on in unhealthy ways, micromanaging the decisions and experiences of our maturing child. I am reminding us to stay engaged.
Provide freedom...with clear expectations.
Let go...but check in.
Celebrate success...and apply consequences.
The reality is that even the most trustworthy, responsible kids have underdeveloped prefrontal cortices. They still need our engagement and correction.
And this engagement shouldn’t and doesn’t stop with an individual child’s parents. In his book, Stopping at Every Lemonade Stand, James Vollbracht advocates families, neighborhoods, larger communities, the business world, and elders step up and step in to assist what he sees as an unstable and disconnected culture in order that it can become a healthier, supportive one. What would it look like if we all took responsibility for the “collective"? It might be when we see a child who is not our own riding his bike unsafely, walking alongside him and saying, “Hey bud, your mom would be so sad if you got hurt riding like that, please ride more carefully.” Or, when we see a young girl drop her candy wrapper on the ground, picking it up and saying, “I’m going to throw this away for you and hope you’ll do the same in the future.” What if elementary libraries were full of senior citizens reading with kids after school or our middle schools had a waiting list of folks who wanted to coach the 6th grade flag football team? What if, as Vollbracht asserts, we each made a point of stopping at every lemonade stand we cross?
The Search Institute has developed a widely respected Developmental Asset Framework that identifies 40 assets, 30 of which are necessary for youth to thrive. Of the 40 assets, eight of them are directly impacted by adults taking responsibility to care for more than just their own child. Those assets are:
If you see my kid and he needs your help, admonition, or advice, I invite you to step in. And I’ll do the same for yours.
It’s the holiday season. We’re all ears for great gift ideas for our kid’s friends or the nephew we only see once-a-year at the holidays. In considering the message I wanted to share with SupsOn readers this month, I wondered what great gift recommendation I have received this year that I can share with you.
A parent in my district recently passed on to me a website that she and her children have loved. The website has brightened my morning ride with my son each day and actually added value to his growing development. Allow me to pass on this terrific suggestion to you so that it might brighten your morning breakfast or ride to school and benefit your child’s development, too.
The parent asked, “Have you heard of Kidnuz?” I had not. And not one to be “left out” of the latest and greatest, I asked more. She shared how she and her kids sit around the kitchen island each morning eating breakfast and listening to short five-minute news podcasts specifically produced for kids. The parent reflected that it generated some really great conversation and provided topical lessons and information about the world in thoughtful language that kids could relate to and understand.
Wait a minute. News? These days? I wondered if today’s news was age appropriate enough for some of our elementary aged students.
Sure enough, my parent concierge assured me that the service effectively filters for topics and presents them in a manner suitable for children as young as first or second grade and as old as middle school.
She forwarded me the website and I’m so grateful she did. Every day since the recommendation, my son (8 years old; 3rd grade) and I don’t miss a ride to school without listening to the Kidnuz podcast. So what’s to love?
It’s easy. You simply register your cell phone at the KiDNuZ website. Each morning at 7:00 a.m. you will receive a text with the link. You can listen anywhere your device gets internet. We like to listen in the car with the phone’s bluetooth set up to the car’s radio.
It’s well designed. The creators know kids and they know news that will engage them. Yesterday’s topics include: “Lesson on Losing, Power of the Pen, DC "Chicken", Mars Selfie and Mystery Stripes.” The broadcasters are pleasant and interesting. Important and high-interest topics for kids to know and understand are shared. The podcast usually includes four to five news points followed by the “Kidnuz Quiz.” The broadcast concludes with a stimulating piece of trivia called “One for the Road.”
It’s free. The website service is free. Occasionally, there will be a short one sentence advertisement in the broadcast, but that is rare. In the few months we’ve been listening I have noticed maybe three advertisements of no more than a passing mention.
My kid loves it. If I fail to set up the broadcast within the first two minutes of getting in the car, I’m quickly scolded. My son listens intently to the stories, a skill I all-too-rarely see exhibited at home. While I have to ask him several times to pick up his socks or brush his teeth, on our morning ride, he’s so motivated to listen closely because he intrinsically wants to perform well on the Kidnuz Quiz. He even asks for help from me when he’s stumped. Listening? Asking for help? Not my kid. But for five minutes in the morning, listening and asking for help are cool!
There’s hidden value. It turns out that being a School Superintendent affords me some insight into how this small five minute podcast could actually be aiding student learning. In California, as in all states, we have a state assessment. Ours is the CAASPP. Each year, our students in grades 3 - 8 are assessed in English Language Arts and Math. It’s no surprise that there is considerable interest in students collectively performing as well as possible on these tests. Whether we like it or not, communities judge schools based on performance. Would you be surprised if I told you that in the ELA portion of the CAASPP test the lowest area of performance in many districts is consistently the strand known as “Listening?” It’s true.
In my own district, a high achieving PK-8 district in Silicon Valley, the “Listening claim” has 15% points fewer students in the “above standard” performance band than the next lowest. There are three other “claims” in the ELA portion of the assessment. They are Reading, Writing, and Research and Inquiry. A range of 55% - 59% of our students perform in the “above standard” performance band for these three areas. The Listening claim, however? Forty percent (40%) are “above standard.”
There could be all kinds of reasons for this. And, this blog isn’t about what we can do to raise student test scores.
What listening to and discussing Kidnuz with my son has reminded me is that listening is a skill we can practice. Listening is a skill we can hone. Listening also just happens to be an area with the most growth potential on an objective measurement. If we can find tools that make building listening skills fun and engaging...why not?
And don’t get me started on the immediate necessity to build media literacy skills in our kids. That’s a whole other blog.
Wishing you and yours a wonderful (but maybe not newsworthy) December break.
Parenting is a hard enough job. Do we really need all the sensational headlines warning us that our children are destined for unemployment, obesity, and a lifetime living in our basement?
In all seriousness, in the age of social media, where research and opinions on just about anything related to parenting flood our consciousness, it’s no wonder that some parents are anxious about lasting damage they might be doing to their children with seemingly innocent and innocuous decisions. Determining what really should concern us - and what doesn’t deserve a second thought - is practically a full time job.
A few weeks ago, the district I have the pleasure of leading in the heart of Silicon Valley, the Menlo Park City School District, had a cursory mention in a New York Times piece that attempts to draw some conclusions about the impact of screen time on youth, based mostly on the input of one psychologist from the East Bay promoting his book about the dangers of screen time, and a few disperate and incomplete examples of schools’ and communities’ relationship to technology.
Adding to what I would describe as the superficiality of the article and the lack of research (for example, no one from my district or Hillview Middle School was contacted for background information or an interview, while quotes from a Waldorf representative are included), my district--MPCSD--was set up as a counter example to a “rich” private school that has “eschewed” most screens. While it is true that our flagship Hillview Middle School is both public and a 1:1 device school, it is not the “low income, public school” that the author frames it as to make her point that low income, public school students across the country are being taken advantage of by technology companies out to make students addicted to their products. Quite the contrary. Hillview is, in fact, one of the most well-resourced and thoughtful educational institutions of its kind, one that attracts far more “Silicon Valley executives” (the article’s words, not mine) than the Waldorf school to which the author compares it.
This type of “Google search” journalism for the purposes of making a dramatic point fails to appropriately address the actual concern--screen time’s impact on our youth--and sensationalizes the challenges and responses to an honest problem that parents today face. In this blog, I will attempt to offer some clarity, some perspective, and some hope.
Technology is ubiquitous. It is part of how we “do life.” It can be argued that in the United States today it is nearly impossible to function efficiently and effectively without interacting with technology. In most schools, public and private, technology is a part of students’ learning experience because to deny children access to technology or technical training would be to withhold essential skills for their future success.
In our middle school, we chose to provide each student with their own device because we believed that it could do three things. First, it can make organizational and learning tasks more efficient for the student and teacher and more accessible for all learners. Second, it could provide teachers with the opportunity to reimagine learning experiences. And third, and maybe most importantly, it allowed us to partner with parents in educating their children on the safe and effective use of technology. If parents are going to have to navigate raising their children in the world of technology, who better to partner with than the trusted teachers in their community?
In my opinion, we must stop conflating “scary screen time” (my words, this time) with meaningful and efficient uses of technology in purposeful settings. Simply put, not all screen time is the same. In our district, we take great effort to ensure that technology is not a “shiny toy” meant to impress, but which adds little value. Rather, it is a tool to be used to enhance learning, not overtake it. Teachers in our elementary schools, where by design we do not have 1:1 programs, teach all students using Common Sense Digital Citizenship curriculum. We train all of our middle school students in our “Digital Driver’s Licence” program before students are released to responsibility with their new device. Our skilled district librarians regularly instruct students on how to evaluate digital resources and differentiate between reliable information and opinion, propaganda, or outright lies. Our devices are all managed by the school district, linked to our protected district wireless network, and have strict filters. In recent years, our staff have instituted a daily device-free break and lunch. A visitor to our classrooms would note that students often only use the devices a small portion of their instruction time, and when they do use them, students show a fluency and adeptness with the devices to such a degree that the device almost disappears into the background of effective teaching and engaged learning. And if all else fails? Parents in our schools have a choice to limit or completely disconnect from technology for their child’s learning.
Don’t get me wrong, there are challenges. Those challenges evolve as our experience increases and the technology changes. We meet those challenges head-on with honesty and transparency, trying hard not to be myopic or reactionary in our response. However, now eight years into our initial efforts with 1:1 technology, I can honestly say that our student experience is richer, our instruction is better, and more students’ needs are met because the educators in our schools have been empowered to use technology as a tool for learning.
No educational reform, program, or tool is a panacea. The same resource can be detrimental or helpful, depending on how it is used. Technology is not inherently bad. I have witnessed some of the best teaching occur with nothing more than a chair and time, and I have also observed incredible discovery when technology is involved.
Today’s reality is this: if 90% of what we learned in school 30 years ago in upper elementary and beyond can now be Googled (not scientific, but you get my point), then teaching and learning must adapt to a new reality. This new reality is one in which the teacher is far more influential than simply a provider of low-level (on Bloom’s Taxonomy) knowledge; rather, the teacher is a learning clinician, thoughtfully posing powerful questions, skillfully designing learning experiences that require students to seek knowledge and then apply it, and adeptly providing meaningful and actionable feedback for students to improve their understanding and skill. When well used, technology is not something to fear in the classroom; it is a tool that allows teachers to teach in a more profound manner and students to own more of their learning. I encourage us to embrace the strategic use of technology in our schools, especially as students get older.
I don’t mean to minimize the cases in which technology is being used poorly by schools, particularly in schools that serve students in high poverty. In those cases, we must recognize it and do everything in our power to change it. However, to paint all technology-using schools with a wide brush misses the point altogether.
But if it’s not in schools where we should be most concerned about screens, where is it?
Most of the nefarious technology examples highlighted in the Times article are not found in educational devices; they are found in the small supercomputer that lives in the pockets and backpacks of many, if not most, of our children, some as young as eight. Yes, I’m talking about the smartphone. If we as parents and educators want to really address what is very likely (although research is still very nascent) the cause of the lion’s share of negative impacts of screen time, we need to look no further than the smartphone most of our children feel they deserve. Last year around this time, I wrote a blog in support of the parents who are struggling to determine when is an okay time to get their child a smartphone. I don’t judge. Every child is different. Every family has different expectations. However, if as a parent you are concerned about your child and screen time, I would suggest you thoughtfully consider the age at which you provide your child a smartphone and the rules and expectations you set around the device should you give them one.
A close second to the smartphone for causes of concern are video games. While there are benefits to video games and I am no luddite when it comes to technology, video games have many of the same concerns associated as does the smartphone. For more on this topic, you may read the blog I wrote last year about the content and effects of videogames on children.
It’s hard to be a parent these days. There is so much competing for our child’s attention and devotion. Screen time is today’s parenting “boogeyman” and, like it or not, we have to remain strong, informed, and determined when managing our children’s expectations with technology. It is possible though. Your child may throw a tantrum or two in the process, but for most children, clear boundaries, expectations that are regularly adhered to, and close monitoring of use is a recipe for success.
There is great research being conducted on a myriad of topics related to technology and our kids. As more of the good research is published and as more “tech natives” are themselves leading some of this research, I am confident there will be a large body of evidence that will tell us precisely what to avoid and what to embrace. In the meantime, I hope we won’t allow ourselves to be too reactionary or too protectionist or too judgmental or too laissez faire.
Knowing our own children as we do, combined with a nice balance of skepticism, mixed with practicality, imbued with confidence in our gut, is the best recipe for parenting I can think of. It’s a recipe that can serve us well as we navigate screen time. And, if we can also trust our teachers to find that “just-right” use of technology in the classroom and celebrate that our schools are partnering with us in educating our kids about safe and good uses of technology, maybe - just maybe - we’ll all get through this crazy modern time in which we find ourselves, relatively unscathed. And our kids will (hopefully) end up employed, healthy, and independent!
If you lived in the US last month and turned on a television, computer, radio, or smart phone, it was hard to avoid the gut wrenching political drama that unfolded around the nomination of our most recent addition to the Supreme Court.
Watching the history-altering confirmation hearings as I did left me emotionally drained and, to be frank, angry. Setting aside the argument around whether or not the justice should have been confirmed, or how brutal the process was, one thing that strikes me (and the only topic that is really appropriate for a blog of this type) is that our efforts to understand and educate our youth on the issue of consent are far from adequate.
If we are to take any important, non-political, message away from the national debate, in my mind it is the profound need to teach our kids about consent earlier and more often.
Some may find it inappropriate or premature for a superintendent of a district that only serves preschool through eighth grade students to address the issue of teaching consent. I couldn’t disagree more. While education about consent looks different at younger ages, it is just as important as discussing it with our high school and college aged children; in fact, one could argue, teaching about consent in high school may be too late. Until young men and women know how to give and receive consent for their actions, the culture that leads to unwanted sexual and non-sexual aggression will not change.
So what do we do?
Considering that the age group most likely to be assaulted begins at the age of 12, consent education must start early. There are compelling developmental reasons for teaching consent at very young ages, even in preschool. At the age of three, there are few if any gender differences in how children receive information about their bodies and their right to control who touches them. And preschoolers are equally comfortable saying “no” to an unwanted touch. Yet by the age of ten, children in general are more concerned about hurting their peers’ feelings than expressing their own. While not always true, girls are more likely to put others’ perceived desires ahead of their own, and boys are less understanding of why someone else might not enjoy something that they themselves enjoy. Waiting until these attitudes have developed makes teaching agency over one’s body and the practice of giving and expecting consent more difficult. Some schools and teachers are even engaging in lessons on consent; maybe you read this recent story of a California teacher designing consent lessons for her young students.
It’s Not Just About Touch
Especially for young children, consent isn’t exclusively about physical touch. Understanding consent is really about respecting boundaries and knowing that you don’t always get what you want. When we tell our kids they can’t have a second cookie or watch another show, we are giving them a boundary and an opportunity to respond appropriately to not getting their way. How our kids learn to deal with these minor disappointments informs how they will handle bigger negotiations later in life. You’ve heard it a thousand times, but kids who seldom hear the word “no” will struggle in the “real world” where “no” is a common and acceptable response. The same goes for kids who don’t experience the impact of failure; they won’t be equipped to experience failure in higher stakes situations as they mature. I don’t advocate a long list of rules, or fabricating disappointments just for the sake of teaching a lesson, but be mindful that kids who get away with everything when they’re young, expect the same when they’re older.
Broaching Consent as a Parent
Parents who model ways for their children to give and receive appropriate affection are well on their way to raising children who respect the boundaries of others, and know how to advocate for their own desires. We’ve all experienced the two or three year old who just has to be on top of us all the time - and it’s completely okay to tell that child, even our own, that we can sit close but don’t want a hug or cuddle right now. They are learning that they can’t have everything they want all the time, and also the words and non-verbal cues to use to communicate when they don’t want something.
Probably one of the biggest opportunities for us to teach and practice consent lies in how we require or ask our kids to respond to those we know well. In my own family, I have a child who is not naturally physically affectionate. I struggled with this because I am affectionate by nature and want our family and friends to feel loved by and connected to our children. For a couple of years I struggled when, for example, our son’s grandparents would visit and upon leaving would desire a hug from their grandson. Like many of us do in this situation, I would try every technique short of physically forcing a hug. Try as I might, nothing worked. It just made it harder. I felt bad. I felt bad for his grandparents. I felt bad for him.
I soon realized that I was the problem. I unintentionally reinforced that my son’s consent didn’t matter. I was sending a message that he didn’t have a choice in who and when he hugged. I was clearly saying that other people’s feelings were more important than his. That wasn’t okay with me. My efforts quickly changed from trying to control him to helping his grandparents understand who is he and how he’s wired; turns out, they knew. The problem was mine, pure and simple.
Whether it is hugging, kissing, cuddling, or (and this is a big one) tickling, it is my belief that we must elevate the voices of our children. These three steps can be the most powerful lesson in consent you can offer your child.
Of course, the best way of teaching these lessons is to model them ourselves. Next time we see our nephew crying, try this, “Awe, buddy, that must be so hard. May I give you a hug?” Simply asking a child if he or she would like to give or have a hug is a huge step in showing them how to have control over their body.
Consent is a Life-Long Lesson
As any parent of a high school student can tell you, issues of consent are squarely in the minds of our teenagers and young adults. Beyond what we can do as parents of young children, the lines of communication need to remain open in high school, college, and beyond. Our sons and daughters should have safe, non-judgemental places to talk about consent. There are great resources out there. Need help in bringing the topic up with your teenager or young adult, start with this outstanding video about a cup of tea. While not for young audiences, it’s a terrific illustration of consent and a great conversation starter for families with older children.
It’s About Being a Decent Person
Fundamentally, understanding and practicing consent is really just part of being a compassionate, empathetic person. All the consent education in the world won’t matter if our kids don’t put it to use, so it’s also a good idea to make sure our kids have exposure to situations that encourage them to grow up to be good people. Showing care towards others, even pets and dolls, is a way the youngest of children start developing compassion and empathy. Reading books with a variety of characters, having our kids help with chores, and making sure it’s not just girls we ask to help care for younger kids - boys need to be expected and trained to help with sibling care, too - are all ways to give children opportunities to show compassion and understanding. Kids who volunteer and work as counselors for younger kids are much better equipped in their adult lives to respect and show kindness toward others.
We are in this together. Believe me, I’m right in this parenting journey with you. I get it wrong most of the time. We all want our kids to grow up in a safer, more respectful, more equitable society...often in spite of the mistakes we parents make. While it was hard to watch the confirmation testimony and I’m still struggling with the conversations and thoughts it brought up, we can use the experience as a catalyst for helping our kids, even our very youngest, learn important lessons to help them make better choices in a complicated world.
More for those who are interested…
In 1979, the Women’s International League for Peace and Freedom printed and distributed one of the most enduring bumper stickers of our generation. Adorning bumpers even today, some 40 years later, is the simple, yet powerful message, “It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber.”
This month’s blog is not anti-military. In fact, it has nothing to do with the military. I am in full support of our military professionals and the Air Force. I do not begrudge the military the necessary resources to do the important job of keeping our nation, including her children, safe. I also don’t think the military should have to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber. This blog is about schools. I cannot help but marvel at how profoundly this stark (and in my estimation, true) statement cuts to the heart of our priorities in modern day America.
School Funding Mess
As a School Superintendent in the State of California, I am all-too-familiar with the history, conditions, and challenges of school funding in the great “golden” state. One only need to Google “school funding issues” to find nearly 200 million links to articles describing a long history of challenges in nearly every state in the United States.
Since California is the state whose funding issues I know best, I’ll choose my state to offer a brief history lesson on school funding as an example. On June 6, 1978, California voters passed with a 65% majority what has become known as the “taxpayers revolt” and remains the most consequential act of direct democracy in California history: Proposition 13. Almost overnight California schools lost one-third of their funding. Very quickly, California, once the envy of the country in terms quality of life, went from the top quartile in both school funding and academic achievement to the bottom quartile in both.
What has resulted is a public school system of “haves,” “have nots,” and “have even lesses.” Public school districts across the state must rely on parcel tax campaigns, organize educational foundations, and reach out to corporations and nonprofits to piece together the funding they need to offer the quality educational program that should be guaranteed to all students. Districts that lack the capacity to ask their community for “extra” funding must make do with the funding available from the state. California has recently clawed its way up from near the bottom in funding to where it currently resides at 21st; however, we are nowhere near where we should be as the fifth largest economy in the world. Have our priorities changed? Do we no longer value strong public schools?
Pubic Schools Matter
Over ninety-five percent of America’s students attend public school. As a forum for instilling our ideals, preparing our future leaders, maintaining the world’s largest economy, and fulfilling the great American promise that all are created equally, nothing has greater potential for good in our democratic society than our public schools. Yet we allow them - and the families they serve - to be the perennial punching bag for balancing budgets, curtailing government overreach, or passing blame for societal ills. Even worse, we allow our public school system to be systematically undercut by experiments in private management with little accountability.
We are at a crossroads. For generations our place at the top of the world economic food chain seemed cemented, and now other countries are catching up. That’s not a bad thing; a rising tide lifts all boats. But we must keep up if we are to ensure a prosperous future. Today’s economy and the economy of tomorrow will require divergent thinking, multilingual collaboration, and creative problem solving. Schools must graduate learners that think and work in a fundamentally different way. If we are to be the global leader that we desire to be, we need to invest more, not less, in our public schools.
Whether it be community pride, safety and security, health and wellness, strong local economy, or home value--good schools are the difference maker. One only need to look at the vast difference between school districts just within the San Francisco Peninsula, where the small school district I lead is located, to see how quality schools and the perceptions of those schools impact everything else within the community. There is no better investment in a community’s long-term health than in its public schools. And as true as that statement may be, the challenge we face as educators is making this case to folks who don’t yet, no longer, or will never have kids enrolled in the local public schools.
Be The Change
Mahatma Ghandi is credited with saying, “Be the change that you want to see in the world.” If we are to take anything from the 1979 bumper sticker, it’s not that the military should get less or that baked goods are bad for you; it’s that schools must be a national, state, and local priority. We all have a responsibility to see to it that our public schools are supported, that pro-public school candidates are elected to office, and that challenging financial times don’t result in the sacrificing of our most precious resource--our children.
School Boards play an important role in educating their communities about the challenges that face their schools. I’m fortunate to lead a school district supported by thoughtful and innovative school board members. In our district, the Menlo Park City School District, we have been able to come much closer to the ideal educational experience that ALL children in California deserve. We’ve been able to do so through years of visionary staff and board leadership, the financial support of a hard working educational foundation that raises $4 million dollars per year, and a supportive electorate that has passed five parcel taxes over 25 years. It’s a shame that we have to spend our time fundraising to provide an experience that every California child deserves; yet, we are willing to do it because it is the right thing to do.
The work of our school board leadership is not complete; our members have now embarked on an effort to define what our district’s “experience” would look like if we were “fully funded.” This effort is aspirational, for sure, but the results will not be indulgent. We will seek to define an experience that is research-based, student centered, and reflective of our community’s values. We’ll focus on areas such as class size, facilities, curriculum, programming, staffing, and compensation. And then...we’ll put a price tag on it. We may never get to the “fully funded” ideal that we set forth, but we’ll at least have a benchmark to determine how far away we are and, like a lighthouse beaconing a ship, we’ll have a vision on which to fix our gaze.
As the superintendent of Menlo Park City School District, where I am also a parent, I am grateful beyond words. If you want to know what our community values, look at where they invest--in their schools. I thank every volunteer, every donor, every self-appointed cheerleader for our schools. Without their support and confidence, there’s no way we could offer the smaller class sizes; the modern and safe campuses; the art, music, PE, science, library and electives; the focus on wellness and mental health; nor, the outstanding student-centered education we provide. And the return on their investment? Bright futures for their children and their neighbor’s children--an asset that benefits the entire community. Isn’t every community worthy of this reality? I think so.
If you are reading this and you are a resident in Menlo Park City School District, take pride in giving whatever you are able to the MPAEF and to your school’s PTO. If you are a voter anywhere in the country soon to vote for school board members, or parcel taxes, or bond measures, or state legislators--cast your votes in support of public education. If you are a parent in a public school, join your parent organization, get involved, and share your talents. If you are an empty nester with some time on your hands, visit your local school and volunteer to read with kids. We can all do something. Our schools deserve it. Our kids need it. Our future depends on strong public schools!
What makes you, you? What makes me, me?
The start of any school year provides our students, parents, and staff with a whole new group of people to meet and get to know. That journey of "knowing" is full of curiosity and possibility, beginning with “what’s your name?”
In a place as multicultural, multilingual, multiracial, and multinational as the San Francisco Bay Area, hearing, remembering, and pronouncing people's names correctly can be a challenge for even the most linguistically adept. But does pronouncing someone’s name correctly matter?
Few markers are more core to our identity than our name. Names carry with them layers of meaning about who we are and from where we come. By not pronouncing someone’s name correctly, we miss the opportunity to communicate respect and appreciation. We fail to provide a moment of empathy and attention, often using the pace of life and our horrible memories as excuses to mispronounce this most important of markers.
A couple of years ago, our neighbors to the south at the Santa Clara County Office of Education launched an uplifting campaign--called My Name, My Identity--to encourage educators to pronounce students’ names correctly and to empower children to proudly educate staff as to their name’s proper pronunciation.
What better time to spotlight the importance of respecting everyone’s individual identity than at the start of a new school year? With this blog, I not only challenge myself and the 300+ staff in our local school district to pronounce students’ names correctly; I also challenge our community and students to use this Back to School season as an opportunity to prioritize correct pronunciation of the names of our new acquaintances and friends.
The national weekly education journal, EdWeek, recently ran an article about the importance of correct pronunciation including the impacts mispronunciation can have on some of our most vulnerable students. Students whose names are mispronounced, especially over a period of time, can experience isolation, humiliation, and a lack of self-worth. The mispronunciation, as EdWeek points out, is just one of the many slights non-native speakers of English will experience in our school system and communities. I think it goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway...this is not how we want any child to feel in our communities. Fortunately we are not powerless to effect change. We can all be a part of the solution.
What can you do?
First and foremost, let’s make a commitment to pronounce people’s names correctly--children and adults. If you are an educator or school support staff, be sure to learn the correct pronunciation of your students’ names and practice until you get them right. If you are a parent, learn the names of all the students (and their parents, to the degree that you can) in your child’s class. If you are a student, you are in the best position to learn the correct pronunciation, because your minds are much more “plastic” than those of adults and thus more able to get pronunciation correct more quickly. Help us grown ups say your friends’ names right.
After you make the personal commitment, be an ambassador for the effort. Allow your own vulnerability to be an example for others. Support others by helping with pronunciation. Engage in conversations with people about the importance of NAME to the individual. You might even consider signing the My Name, My Identity Pledge. Log on now to My Name, My Identity and take the pledge.
Lest you think I am preaching an irrational expectation, respecting an individual's identity by pronouncing names correctly is not about perfection. It’s about the interest and effort. Feel free to ask the person how her name is pronounced. Feel free to ask more than once. Acknowledge your desire to pronounce your new friend’s name correctly and ask for her patience as you practice.
Follow up with questions about how he got his name. Use the experience of learning his name as an open door to find out more about him. What is the origin of her name? What does his name mean? Heck, share stories behind your name. Why did your parents choose the name they chose for you? Is it a family name?
If you are an educator, an organizer of an activity, or the leader of a meeting or an event, consider using name tags and encourage everyone to wear them and call one another by name. This can happen in our schools with children as well. Encinal Elementary School, in my district of Menlo Park City School District, started the 2017-18 school year with a commitment to looking at everything through the lens of equity. The first step was making an effort to understand WHO each student IS. They launched a school-wide effort to learn and share the names of everyone at school. Teachers were asked to share their own names with other staff members and create a unique poster for their name before students arrived. The first week of school, teachers were invited to select one of a myriad of name activities in which to engage students; this included name tags worn by each child, posters by each child in the classrooms, or in-class presentations about the origin and meaning of each students’ name. While only the first step to creating deeper connection among students and teachers at Encinal, it was an impactful one. The equity efforts in their school continue today.
I am mindful that there is a danger of folks feeling shame around mispronunciation. Don’t. This message and the My Name, My Identity effort isn’t about making people feel bad. It’s about celebrating our differences. If you are the person learning and practicing the name--resist the urge to feel guilty about not getting it right the first time...or even the third. If you are the person whose name is mispronounced--consider how you can help the person to pronounce your name correctly without shaming them. Help them practice it. Make it a teachable moment with, maybe, a pneumonic device and a word of encouragement.
The diversity of our communities is a strength. With so many people of different backgrounds, faiths, languages, and countries/regions of origin, there is an open invitation to us all to expand our understanding and empathy by taking a moment to get to know the person behind the name and share more about ourselves, as well.
Signing off...Erik, with a “k,” because we have Scandinavian ancestry and my parents thought Vikings were cool. Pronounced “ERR + ik.”
13 Reasons Why is coming back for a second season on May 18, 2018. You need to know this.
When the 2017 Netflix original series, 13 Reasons Why, burst on the scene in dramatic style, teens around the country started viewing it and talking about it. Parents, schools, and mental health professionals soon began sounding of the alarm. Rightfully so.
A hit for Netflix, 13 Reasons Why is an emotional, raw, and dramatic look into the lives of a group of teenagers at a fictional high school. The show is a screen adaptation of the best selling and acclaimed 2007 young adult novel by Jay Asher.
The first season centered around two friends, a boy and a girl in high school. The boy finds a box of cassette tapes left on his porch. The tapes contain audio recordings of his friend who took her own life two weeks prior. In the tapes, the young girl who committed suicide reveals the thirteen reasons she took her own life, all somehow connected to people she knows. Each tape must be heard by a person to whom she attributes her death in a chain that, if broken, will result in the public release of humiliating information.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among adolescents ages 10-24. In the SF Bay Area, many communities have been directly impacted by the well publicized and widely felt suicide death of at least one student in the last five years. Increased stress and anxiety, as well as greater attention to issues of mental health, have heightened our awareness around the issue. It is a reality of our youth, whether we want it to be or not. Certainly, burying our heads in the sand is not the answer. However, what are parents and educators to do when the fears around teens viewing shows such as 13 Reasons Why are so legitimate?
Why are teens attracted to 13 Reasons Why?
It’s important to understand why teens are so attracted to such seemingly negative and dark material. The first and primary reason that teenagers are attracted to 13 Reasons Why is because it’s about THEM. Teens are developmentally self-centered. It’s not completely their fault. Their emotional, physical, and mental development during the teen years causes them to focus on their own journey of individuation. There is very little value to many teenagers in the sanitized and pollyannic world of entertainment that we want to build for them. The producers of 13 Reasons Why understand that a raw and explicit show centered around issues that may not impact every teenager, but do impact at least one person every teenager knows, is television gold. Teen brains love shots of dopamine and watching shows with explicit topics, themes, scenes--especially those that teens know their parents don’t want them to watch--provides a steady stream of dopamine to the brain’s reward centers.
Teens also love to FEEL. While the prefrontal cortex, or the “CEO of the brain” is underdeveloped in teens, the parts of the brain that process emotion are more developed and working overtime. Teens are attracted to shows that make them feel scared, sad, elated. It’s not so much that they care WHAT they are feeling but THAT they are feeling. 13 Reasons Why has all kinds of “feels” and that, in and of itself, is enough to attract teen attention and engagement.
It also doesn’t hurt that the show is done well. The show, its producers, writers, and actors have all received acclaim. Who doesn’t like a well produced, well written, and well performed television show? Certainly, our teens do.
How can parents respond?
The most important step a parent can take is to be informed. Read this blog. Check out what Common Sense Media has to say (it’s on the front of their website this week). Watch Season One. Talk to folks who have seen the series.
The next step is to talk to your child. Does your teen have any interest in watching the show? What do they know about it? How do they feel about it? If your child has never heard about it, let them know that if and when they do, you’d love to talk about it with them; otherwise, you don’t need to worry. If they have heard about it and don’t have any interest, do the same--let them know that if and when they do that you’d love to talk about it with them; otherwise, not to worry. If they have an interest, it’s time to consider what you will do next.
Decide the expectations you will set. Will you let your child watch 13 Reasons Why? If not, why not? This is important to know ahead of time, before your child asks. It’s okay to be honest with them. For students in our district, ages three through fourteen, we do not recommend allowing students to watch 13 Reasons Why. We particularly caution parents of children whose mental health and wellness are already a concern.
If you decide to allow your teen to watch the series, consider asking them some important questions that require them to process the impact of what they are seeing. The high school my district’s students matriculate into recently sent these great questions to their parents. Engage in a discussion with your child around these questions.
Additionally, if you are going to allow your child to watch the show, please consider watching it with them so you can help them understand and process what they are seeing and feeling.
The National Association of School Psychologists published a thorough resources page on 13 Reasons Why and provided the following suggestion to parents and those working with youth.
There are a variety of resources in our schools and communities. Don’t hesitate to reach out to school staff including our amazing counselors and mental health professionals. If you live in California’s San Mateo County you may consider one of the many local resources available.
Nationwide, teens in crisis or a friend or loved one of a teen in crisis can contact the Crisis Text Line. Simply text the word “REASON” to 741741 or visit http://www.crisistextline.org. Communication is free, available 24/7, and confidential. Additionally, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available by dialing 1-800-273-8255 or visiting http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
Discussion guides to facilitate talking with teens about some of 13 Reasons Why topics include:
Raising, educating, and supporting teens is a challenge even in the best of circumstances. We can’t protect our children from everything; however, understanding the messages that bombard them and opening lines of communication are two proactive steps we can take to increase the chances that the teens in our lives will survive and thrive the roller coaster that is adolescence.
A concerned parent reached out to me recently and asked a very important and thoughtful question. She shared that her son, a middle school student, was actively involved in the student-led activism around the country that called on leaders to address the current spate of highly publicized events of gun violence. Like many families, hers talks openly about issues and seeks to make life choices that reflect their values and conscience. She went on to share that her son, like many adolescent boys, is enamored with a relatively new online game called Fortnite.
For those who don’t know it, Fortnite is a violent role playing video game, not unlike others that have come before it. It’s the hot new game and it’s very attractive to our young children, especially boys. Imagine the conscientious mother’s confusion when her compassionate son participated in activism around gun violence only to return to his computer after school to play Fortnite--a game whose purpose it is to kill virtual people with guns.
Maybe you too are struggling with the reality that your child--a thoughtful and kind individual with a budding sense of personal identity around what is right and what is wrong--is so attracted to a game centered around guns and violence.
Fortnite is not the first violent video game that will spark concern and it won’t be the last. I’ve been asked similar questions about other video games. As a parent of three boys, I understand the fear and the desire for an answer or some tips on how to address the issue of violence in video games with our children. I wish there were clear answers. Unfortunately, I don’t know that there are.
What we do know is that even with decades of research to access, it is still somewhat hard to make a predictable causation from virtual aggression and violence to physical violence in the real world. While the tendency towards aggression after exposure to violent media has been well documented, physical violence, especially lethal violence, has not been categorically linked to violent media. Does this mean there is no role for the parent to say, “Hey, this isn’t okay with me. This isn’t who we are or who we want you to be?”
Unequivocally, the answer to that is NO. There is a role for parents to play and regardless of a lack of causal relationship between engaging in virtual violence and becoming a violent person in “real life,” there are many reasons to consider the impacts playing these games have on young, developing minds.
I advocate that parents take an active role in the virtual/digital lives of our children whether it be related to social media or video gaming. I don’t advocate for a total ban on much, although I completely support a parent’s right to do so and hope for their success in the process. My experience tells me, though, that not all parents are interested in complete bans and that actually banning something so attractive and pervasive as social media or video gaming can actually backfire. So, what’s a parent to do?
In 1998, the most comprehensive assessment of screen violence was completed. It estimated that the typical child will have seen 8000 murders and 100,000 other acts of violence (including rape and assault) before middle school. While shocking to me, more shocking is that this study only included television; in the ensuing 20 years the platforms for children to experience violent images have increased exponentially. It is my belief that the frequency of access to incidents of violence (which includes role playing video games) is something parents should monitor and manage. Our best efforts simply cannot immunize our children from seeing violence. In my mind, if it’s futile, it’s not worth trying. The alternative, I believe, is twofold: first, we need to engage our children in conversation around the violence they are seeing and experiencing; second, we need to provide agreed upon (between you and your child) boundaries within which this violence is seen and experienced.
What this requires is that we actually know what our children are into and doing. Do you know if your child knows about, likes, or is playing Fortnite? If not, you might want to ask. If they are or even if their friends are, I would suggest googling it as soon as you are done reading and “liking” this blog entry.
Beyond knowing, we must engage. This takes time, energy, and purpose. If your child is playing it, have they played in front of you? Have you played it with them? Have you asked them how it makes them feel and why they enjoy it? Have you shared with them how it makes YOU feel that they play it? If not, start there. Then begin the conversation with them about how often and under what conditions you are willing to allow them to play this game and what signs you will watch for in them that will tell YOU whether or not their playing the game is impacting who they are becoming as a person.
I imagine that some of you, after reading just a little bit more about Fortnite, might reconsider your child’s ability to play the game. You might read about how Fortnite was accessible through a porn website during an outage at the company, or that a parent recently lamented about almost losing her son to Fortnite, or that Fortnite was forced to eliminate one of its weapons because it was simply too controversial. It would be totally within the realm of reason for you to present your child with the information you have learned about Fortnight and say, “This is not okay in our home or in our family and here’s why…” and then to say they may not play this game.
If you take this approach, I encourage you to do the following:
For those parents who believe forbidding your child to play Fortnite might backfire or that your child is mature enough to handle the game (both reasonable personal conclusions), might I suggest that you have found a great “carrot” to use when discussing what behaviors you want to see your child exhibit at home and in school? If they want to play Fortnite so badly, start talking to them about what it is going to take for them to be allowed to play it. Use the game to your parenting advantage.
In addition to using access to the game as a carrot, the three most important steps you can take as a parent should you allow them to play the game are to…
Whether it’s Fortnite, social media, a new group of friends, or any other outside influence that you are concerned about, your child’s behavior is the best guide to knowing how they doing. Rather than recommending prescriptive approaches to parenting, I encourage you to see how your child is behaving. If they continue sleeping, eating, and interacting with their friends, school, and other activities normally, they are probably handling their exposure to video games appropriately. Even a child who can’t wait to come home and play Fortnite is probably fine if they are actively participating in the rest of their lives in a healthy way. Adolescent children can usually distinguish between reality and fiction, so as long as they aren’t exhibiting violent tendencies then they are probably able to engage and disengage with their game in an acceptable way. However, if your child becomes withdrawn, irritable, exhibits more aggression, or you notice any other changes, then video games or the amount of time spent in the virtual world may be something you need to address.
And finally, keep asking questions--of me, teachers, your pediatrician, other parents, your parents, and children themselves. For my money, the most crucial factor that leads to individual and collective wellbeing is community. When our children feel connected, protected, and loved, no matter how much they protest the attention, they will surely find healthy outlets for their emotions and end up leading us all to a more compassionate, less violent future.
Erik Burmeister is the Superintendent of Menlo Park City School District in the heart of Silicon Valley.